I talked a few weeks ago about ensuring enough ‘me’ time to look after yourself. I always try to make time, but the last little while I’ve felt it has become almost impossible. I’ve been off the radar for almost a month. When I’m stressed or things are getting on top of me, I go into lockdown. That’s pretty much where I have been recently. It’s self-preservation on a very basic level.
This, however, does not mean that I’ve ‘given up’ on one thing or another, nor am I ‘ill’ – it just boils down to the simple fact that I don’t have enough time or energy to focus on all of the things I would like to. Right now, work is very much a priority. I’m busy on-farm, which means early starts sometimes at three in the morning. Teamed with grandmothers in hospital, the return of James (Yay! We’re a family again!) and a run of unfortunate incidents with the canine portion of the tribe, something had to give. When I’m not at my best, I focus all my energy on functioning properly and getting through the things I need to do. (My concentration and energy levels are the first to suffer, and that’s a recipe for disaster in terms of doing my job properly.) Oddly, it’s at these times when I’m at my most organized. I have to be, or my days would be spent hiding under a blanket watching crappy T.V.
Over the years, I’ve found lots of coping mechanisms to deal with low or overwhelming times, and one of the best things is to get into a routine as quickly as possible. Getting up, meals, writing time, whatever. Just some sort of constant. It instantly makes me feel like I have regained control of my affairs and seems to have a natural knock-on effect into other areas of my life. It’s this routine mentality that has saved my ass the last few weeks. Having not weighed in or been to class in over a month, one would assume that I can’t be bothered, or I’ve lost my motivation, or that I’m simply going to have gained weight. Not so. In my latest lockdown, I have been mindful of my eating and while the chaos has been swirling around on a day-to-day basis, my good eating habits have been working away in the background, a little routine all of their own.
I know myself well enough to know that losing on a regular basis in this state is an unrealistic and unachievable goal. But now that I’m feeling calmer, I’m going to class. Tomorrow. I also know that in the five (maybe six?) weeks since I last weighed in, I’ve not put on any weight. I’m confident of that. I’d love to achieve my 10% goal, as that was next on the list, so fingers crossed I see that on the scales this week or next. I feel like it is some sort of vindication that anxiety/stress/whatever doesn’t make me useless, and that I can achieve what I want and I’m a perfectly normal human being. Which I am.
People mock me for my lists, goals and bits of paper. It doesn’t matter a jot because it’s what gets me through, and it works. Do what works. It gets results, and the proof will be on the scales in the morning.
I’m now in the process of letting the routine mentality wash over into the the other neglected areas of my life that have been ticking away quietly in the background. Writing and Running are next. And yes, I already have goals set.
A 5k and Chapter Ten, anyone?