Weigh-in: 1lb on
I’m trying really hard. I was disappointed to see that my ‘nervous’ weight loss from race day has righted itself once again, and I’ve tried everything. My water intake is high, and bar a boozy trip to the city with a friend to celebrate my 30th Birthday, I’ve been good as gold. The last week I’ve been eating the bare minimum to try and kick start some sort of loss, and it hasn’t worked.
I’m frustrated. I’m fed up. I’m a wee bit angry (for a change!) I feel as if I’m suspended in limbo, and my efforts are pointless. I think this might be the cumulative effect of hormones, bouncing back and forth between a few lbs and now having no sense of direction in terms of my running.
If feel as if the bottom has dropped out my training regime, as I now have nothing to work towards. I’m still out plodding away, but just feel the efforts aren’t really worth anything. I curse the postman on a daily basis for not bringing me a letter from the hospital, as everything I’m working on hinges on this stupid operation. I’ve thought about it over and over, and I really need to get my head together. I realise there is no point dwelling on what may or may not be, but it has a tendency to put a serious dent in my very goal-orientated world.
Walter has been suspiciously quiet recently, and I’m beginning to think that he’s taken pity on me- he’s obviously an attention-seeker and realised his efforts are in vain in the current climate….
I decided after weigh-in that I’d make a mini-plan. It’s unlikely that I’ll be whisked into hospital in the next four weeks, so that’s my new timescale. I’ve set myself two goals in this time.
I’m supporting my friend Kerri in May, running her first 5k, so I’ve decided to focus on shorter distances for now. My 5k PB sits at 26:43, and that was in December. Some short sessions on speed work, sprints and hills will be the order of the day for the next few weeks. I’d like to get down under 26:30, and would like to make it before Kerri’s race day.
My second target is to get up what I affectionately call ‘Hells’ Bells Hill’. It’s a 3-mile stretch of steep, unrelenting winding road running up from the glen and finishes at home. I attempted this a long while back, didn’t even make it a third of the way up, and never attempted it again. I have, however, had great fun running down it as part of my 13-mile route!
I think I’m fit enough now to make a reasonable effort at it, and I may have to chip away at it over a couple of attempts, but I think I can do it. No, wait, I KNOW I can do it.
I’m fed up with food. I hate it. Some people have said it’s all psychological, and I’m just not paying attention to what I’m doing because of my ovary problem, and that’s why I’m not losing weight. I beg to differ. I’ve been golden, and it’s not made one iota of a difference. Although my body has clearly slammed on the anchors with letting me lose weight, the thing I’m holding onto is that I’m not skyrocketing in the opposite direction, which I am very, very thankful for. Matters are further complicated by medication, but I know that I am VERY capable of putting on weight quickly all on my own- so surely I must be doing SOMETHING right?
After a quick chat with my lovely leader on Saturday, this week I am ‘eating my points’- I.e using up my daily allowance and some of my weeklies. She pointed out that eating the bare minimum may not be helping, (the body panic-stores fat when food is in short supply) so I’ll try that this week and see how it goes.
I felt sad at my meeting too. I’m really proud of all our WWs people, and I’m also very protective of them. I know as well as the rest of them what losing weight means, and how much it can change your life. Seeing everyone losing round about me and watching them change over the months is usually uplifting and motivational, but seems to be having a negative effect now- I feel as if everyone is moving on and I’m being left behind.
It’s not a nice feeling.
But as I’ve said many times before, you only lose the fight if you stop fighting, so I’m still damn well fighting- I’m like a boxer who’s made it to the last round, but is grasping at straws- I’m just hangin’ in there until the bell goes.